A confession: I love self help books

Let THEM!!!!!

When I worked at a literary agency in LA, two of our clients hosted a podcast where they tried to live by the advice from a self help book for two weeks at a time. Listening to each episode, which were only forty-ish minutes long, I was always struck by how little they actually changed about their lives—for the book French Women Don’t Get Fat, they drank champagne and cooked leek soup. Easy. For Why Good Things Happen to Bad People, they had to commit acts of “bravery” while living mundane lives in NYC. Corny as hell. They weren’t making any huge lifestyle or mindset shifts, and yet they had a huge following, thousands of weekly listeners who tuned in to hear their takes on these books that claimed to change our lives.

That’s kind of the beauty of self help. As with any big brain nonfiction title, they have the ability to become your entire personality while you’re reading them, whether you let other people know it or not, and whether you change anything about your life or not. I’m unfortunately victim to the capitalistic/productivity culture cycle of feeling like I need to Always Be Optimizing, in a way that I feel best when I think that I’m getting a little bit better in every area of my life. Is that kind of toxic? Could it be exhausting? It would be if it wasn’t 1. pretty delusional and 2. didn’t actually make me feel better, which it does. Of course I’m not getting “better” every single day. But let me think I am!

Most of the time when I’m reading self help-y books, or listening to a woo-woo podcast, my main thought is “I already know this” or “this is obvious.” And yet, reading or listening can temporarily convince me to stop online shopping or scrolling and write my freaking newsletter or go for a walk or whatever. It’s embarrassing to think about how we know certain things and then willfully ignore them until someone with a megaphone reminds us of them? Even if that person seems like a total hack? This is why I often keep my enjoyment of self help to myself—let’s just say the girlies claiming Mel Robbins’ alarm technique changed their lives don’t seem like they read a lot. Idk. It’s a good time to focus on making myself better as these united states crumble around me? Let ME have THIS.

These are some of my recent favorites, use them however you want, whether it’s to judge me, get yourself out of an exercise slump, diagnose everyone you know with a type of perfectionism, lean into your maximalist tendencies, or throw your phone in a lake and spend time with nature.

Exercised by Daniel E. Lieberman is a deep dive into the evolution of the human body and how our bodies have evolved to need exercise to function properly for longevity and health as we moved away from more physical lifestyles (i.e. hunting and gathering). It’s also an exploration into how to add exercise to your daily life without it being terrible, how to combat the sedentary lifestyle most of us lead, and tons of other little tidbits of information I’ve found fascinating and useful. You can catch me walking laps around my office every thirty minutes because of this book.

I’ve never considered myself to be a perfectionist for many reasons, but I picked up The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control by Katherine Morgan Schafler after a writer I admire recommended it. The author is a psychotherapist who used to see patients as a therapist, and her insights into the different types of perfectionists are fascinating and useful for self-reflection. Within the first chapter she presents a list of seven types of perfectionists, which is fun to use to assign to people you know ;).

I took one philosophy class in college and hated it because our grade was 75% participation and I was a painfully shy freshman who would’ve rather combusted than raise her hand in class. However, I now love to think about big questions, which is basically the ethos of philosophy, and I think as an adult it’s important to step back from the grind and think about things. Enter: Open Socrates by Agnes Callard, in which the contemporary philosopher dives deep into Socrates’ whole deal, from living an examined life to the Socratic method, taking my educational nightmare and applying it to interacting with people in our everyday lives.

I had to include some woo woo literature in here. The Karma of Success: Spiritual Strategies to Free Your Inner Genius by Liz Tranh draws on ideologies from several eastern religions and ways of thought to present the idea that we are all born with intuition, or an inner genius, that we’ve all lost touch with. The book gives guidance on how to align your inner self, your actions, and your values in order to achieve personal and professional success. I mean, what more could you want!

Becoming Wise by Krista Tippett is about eight years old now, so I’m curious if it holds up. It’s similar to several of these books in that it highlights aligning our values with our actions, and how we show up for other people and build community in order to find meaning in life. She has a spiritual bent, if that appeals to you.

All Things Are Too Small: Essays in Praise of Excess by Becca Rothfield is a delight because it tears down the minimalist movement, which is a space self help plays in a LOT. Rothfield writes essays praising excess and abandon, criticizing how the homogenization of culture and aesthetics has led to a flattening and listlessness, a spiritual wasteland (for example: millennial gray). Whether she’s criticizing the minimalism of homes by Marie Kondo that leads to spaces lacking idiosyncrasies, or the blankness inside our minds thanks to mindfulness apps encouraging us to eliminate challenging thoughts, Rothfield’s collection is a slap in the face to mainstream self help and I love it.

A book that will want you to drop everything and go outside is always a good thing. Enter: The Nature Fix by Florence Williams. Like I said earlier, this seems obvious to me, but sometimes we really need to be reminded of it!!!

There are some excellent conversation facts in Your Brain On Art by Susan Magsamen and Ivy Ross. Doing an art project for just 45 minutes, no matter your skill level, can reduce cortisol. One art experience per month can extend your life by ten years. Playing music builds cognitive skills and enhances learning. The list goes on! Again, I don’t think anyone was out here thinking that art was bad, but dang, we’ve got to get out there amongst it.

I know y’all have all heard about the powers of body language when it comes to interpersonal interactions, but did y’all know that (according to this author) every time we participate in a conversation, we’re participating in one of three conversations? In Supercommunicators, Charles Duhigg gets into the differences between practical, emotional, and social conversations, and how people who are supercommunicators can recognize and match conversation types in order to use the best communication method for each one. He details why and how some people are excellent listeners and able to make themselves heard clearly, and how we can all strive to be this way.

Thanks for reading! Hope this helps :’)